Crackin' the Deuce

Very weird, freakish day.

1) If my 1st husband had lived, we'd have been married 20 years today. I'm not as anguished over that as I used to be -- time marches on, you know -- but just kind of generally freaked out that I could have been ANYTHING for 20 years. I usually have a quiet little mini-melt-down on August 31st and hide for the better part of the day, but strangely enough I'm in pretty good shape this year. My 19-year-old son called my cell phone a few moments ago to "just see how I was." How nice is THAT?

With the five years of wedded bliss-ters (his term, not mine) I've spent with Osama, that's 17 years of being somebody's wife. More good than bad, thank God. I'm a very lucky girl, indeed, to have lucked out in this department not once, but twice.

2) In keeping with the weird karma today, the battery in my digital Tanita scale went tits-up this morning. It's been on its original batts since last December. Then, during my breakfast preparations, the battery in my digital food scale also went south on me. The scale was an acquisition from like last April or May. Coincidence? Hmmmm...... Maybe the life that I suck from everything has spilled over to battery-operated small appliances now.

3) Today's my last Wednesday EVER in Loserville. Grabbed my lost shaker of salt at noon and headed over to Bronc's Cafe for a big ol' greasy bacon cheeseburger and fries. 'Cause I wanted to. That's why.

On the third day of Christmas, my doctor sent to me......

Two pelvic ultrasounds and a CA125 serum blood test.

You know you're having an "oh shit" moment when Dr. Beth calls you at work with your test results. Which really weren't results. Just requests for more tests. WTF??

Pardon me while I excuse myself for a brief scream in the hallway.

There, much better.

I'm with two old fart insurance agents right now. One just got done gumming his afternoon banana and is now napping. The other is pacing the office (nothing special going on -- he's ALWAYS pacing) and jingling what can only be ENORMOUS amounts of pocket change and car keys. Lawdy. Two more hours.

I've got homework already. Eck.

I made the mistake of posting a serious fitness/nutrition question on the diet website. Gawd, how could I have FORGOTTEN that the forums there are for venting your relationship/child-rearing/pet questions. NO SERIOUS DIET QUESTIONS WILL BE RESPONDED TO.

So here's my damn question, let's see if any of you know the answer.

I was doing a little surfing yesterday regarding "satiety," since I seem to be struggling with that as of late. Learned about something new called the "Holt Satiety Index." Here's a couple of good explanations of what it is:

http://www.mendosa.com/satiety.htm

http://www.diabetesnet.com/diabetes_food_diet/satiety_index.php

Anyone have any first-hand dealings with this? Done any experimentation? Some of it's just common sense -- yeah, oatmeal will stay with you longer than french fries. Dr. Holt states that there is further testing to be done, and admits that her findings are sound, but preliminary. GNC produces a product called "Total Lean Reduce" that is an "emulsion" made partially of oat bran that you add as a supplement which claims to nearly replicate total satiety. Anyone tried it? I don't (normally) do ANY processed sugar, flour or much saturated fat at all. Lately, my appetite has been ENORMOUS (usually later in the day) and what used to come easily is now a major test of willpower. I'm just trying to see if there's anything physiological to explain this. I just don't buy that once I had great restraint and now I don't. My motivation is as great or better than it's ever been. Again, it really feels like a physical need to eat rather than an emotional one.

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? ANYONE?

And now for MORE happy frickin' news:
The ~ahem~ GIRLS, if you will, have shrunk AGAIN. I'm now in a "B" cup for the first time since 8th grade. And let me tell ya, the girls they was MUCH perkier in 8th grade. I'm sportin' quite the rack now that I found a 40-B WITH REMOVEABLE AIRBAGS at Lane Bryant. *sniffle*

And now that I've made myself sound like I'm REALLY obsessed with my own bod, I will make it worse and report that yesterday I got "checked out" by A MAN, BABY!! Ok, it was snarky ol' Weirdo Wayne from the hospital, but STILL. I have mixed feelings about this, and I'm trying to let it go and not over-analyze the whole deal. At first, I thought I had something on my shirt. It honestly did not occur to me that he was looking at me THAT WAY. But for the rest of the conversation, let's just say that I was the only one who was even TRYING to establish eye contact. When it finally hit me that, yes, indeed, I was getting "ogled" I immediately felt guilty. Now WHY is that? It's not like I was doing anything wrong. And it's not like I WANTED to, either. Half of me felt like I should go put on an overcoat (I was wearing the new GAP jeans and a bright V-necked T-shirt) and the other half of me wanted to laugh.

I told Goglin about it. He thinks the removeable airbags should come OUT of the LB bra. Nuh-uh. Ain't gonna do it.

posted by Jenwa @ 1:43 PM 0 comments

FOUR DAYS LEFT, But Who's Counting?

Had my "going-away" or "retirement" or "I'm blowing this pop stand" party at Minerva's with the folks from the agency on Friday night. I had a wonderful time, thanks to five (5!!!) glasses of Yellowtail Pinot Grigio. And I barely ate because I ordered the Thai chicken lettuce wraps and didn't care for it. Had one mozz stick from the appetizer sampler platter, and they definitely have lost their appeal. During the meal, I was thinking, "Wow, I'm glad I don't eat here often....this is really fattening." Then they presented me with a Minerva's gift certificate. A really big one, but oh well. I have four days left at the agency -- three small ones (my usual dash in and dash out) and my usual long day in Loserville. I may go and eat a greasy lunch with the guys on the last day, just for old times' sake.

I almost started to like Church Lady over these past weeks. She's been undergoing a "pleasant spurt" for weeks now, even before I turned in my notice. THEN..... the jealousy monster reared it's ugly head and reminded me what she can really be like....

We're building storage units for rent on the back part of our one-acre lot. Friday, she was all full of questions about the project.
"I drove by your place and didn't realize that you were building THAT BIG of a building."
"Yes, it's pretty big, and it's the first of three. In the end, we'll have 40 units."
"So did you have to get any special zoning permits?"
"No, we checked with the city council. The zoning's fine."
"REALLY......" (Her "REALLY" and the ensuing pregnant pause are her usual passive/agressive manner of showing disbelief.)
"So do you think you can make these pay for themselves?"
"Well, based on what we're going to charge and based on what we've spent on the construction, if we have 80% occupancy, they'll pay for themselves in 20 months."
"REALLY......" (Yes, REALLY, you stupid bitch.)
"And you don't mind that you'll have all that traffic in the back of your house?"
"Nope, doesn't bother me a bit." (OK, a small white lie. She was really getting on my nerves by this time.)
"REALLY......"

Oh for the love of GOD, give me the strength not to choke the shit out of her in the next four days......

********************
I got so much accomplished this past weekend. I really won't be freeing up that many hours by quitting the agency, but it just SEEMS like there's so much more time now. I've had a really hard time sitting at the computer and getting anything done, most of yesterday was spent organizing the house and getting ready for the big fall cleaning before my fall trips. God forbid I should croak and have messy closets, ya know? Anyway, it seems my inertia has been broken and I'm busy, busy, busy. GOOD.

I've noticed that my shyness is really dissipating and I'm less of a hermit and more apt to be seen in public. I've made more appearances at local functions, which is a necessary part of the business. And with three different towns that we service, that's a LOT of pancake suppers and chamber of commerce meetings. Jim is loving my new-found willingness to attend such things. He doesn't have to go alone anymore. Or at all.

The reports for my state apprenticeship are going to be a real pain in the patoot. Necessary evil, and I'll just have to grin and bear them and do them. I need to call the state office on Monday and get clarification on a few things, then I can send in my first batch of reports of the eventual 12.

********************

I feel so sorry for everyone in Katrina's path, but the weather geek in me is fascinated also. Glad Jim and I went there this past year, because no doubt it will be under construction for a good long time. I've had CNN on all day yesterday and most of the night. The meteorology reports are good. Watching the stupid field reporters show motel signs blowing over? Meh....

And why, oh why, oh why, do hurricanes need their own theme music? I'm soooo sick of the "drumbeat of impending doom" theme that CNN uses for major storms. Lord love a duck, GIVE IT UP!!

********************

I bought a pair of cute jeans in GAP on Thursday. Not such an amazing event, I know, but it was my first foray into a "regular-sized" mall store. I tried on size 16's and they were too big. Size 14's, low-rise, boot-cut were just right. I spent the entire time in GAP trying to "fly below the radar" and hoping no one would notice that I was shopping for myself and not my daughter. Like they were going to boot my ass out if they detected a BIG FAT LADY trying to buy "normal" jeans. And the media reports about the lack of size 14's and up in GAP and other stores....absolutely true. GAP had a sign in the fitting room that announced that if you wanted bigger sizes, you could order them online with no shipping charges. In other words, if you are overfat, please stay at home with the blinds securely drawn.

Assholes.

posted by Jenwa @ 7:00 AM 0 comments

I Hate Writing Titles for Blog Posts, Don't You?

I was not not feeling well yesterday. NOT.WELL.A'TALL. Tuesday night was a BUGGER. I didn't go to work out until 9pm, but had a very intense workout. Did strength training, and pushed my limits. Stayed on the elliptical for my PR. And the treadmill? WOW. After warm-up, I decided to do a jog before a run and so I took it to 4.8. And stayed there. I didn't even run last night, because (this will make me sound like a total imbecile, which I am) I was doing so well at the jog that I just couldn't stand to deviate. I hung in there for quite a while, not even exactly sure how long. So.....I got home and Jim asked if I'd run over to the funeral home with him and help him get the showroom floor straightened out since he had just gotten a shipment on Monday morning and everything was in disarray. I made him wait until after The Daily Show, then we went and moved caskets for a half-hour. During which time, I got the sweats and the shakes and started not making a hell of a lot of sense. Didn't have a meter with me, but didn't need one. Jim got me a piece of hard candy and some juice, and I felt a little better. We went home and it hit again going up the steps to the deck. This time I tried a banana. Helped for a while. Took a bath, and was dizzy as all get-out when I got out of the tub. Had a turkey sandwich and a small glass of milk. I finally fell asleep about 1am, and woke up at 4am with the sweats again. BAH! It turned out to be a 2,400 calorie day, just trying to keep the damn BS out of the basement. I had a blood sugar "hangover" all day yesterday. Today I feel better, not as tired.

A few thoughts on fighting the Binge Monster:
I have had quite a few days now completely free of the urge to eat and eat and eat every evening. I may have a glimmer of insight into how I solved that. I had gotten to the point where I was planning my meals based on how to get the most food for the lowest calories. A lot of the time, they were "substitues" that I did not totally enjoy. So I was hitting my calories on the nailhead, or going under, and I was eating a lot of food, bulk-wise. But I was NOT satisfied, or happy. Take Miracle Whip, for example. IMHO, Miracle Whip Free tastes like what I IMAGINE butt-crack would taste like. But I was using it in my albacore tuna salad and grinning and bearing it. Phooey to that. I bought a jar of "regular" and use my gram scale to accurately measure out 2T and just go ahead and take the hit as far as fat and calories are concerned. This is just one example, but you get the idea. SO, the new credo is to use a substitute when you really don't detect a difference or don't mind it. But otherwise, I'm going to eat less but keep my calories in line and be happy about my CHOICES. I have been doing this for a few days now and have not had the urge to graze all evening. Tuesday evening excepted, of course -- but that was a "situation" that I dealt with as best I could.

I got an email from my friend Andrea. She passed her national boards (YAY, ANDREA!!) and will take the state boards in two weeks. She now has to do a 1-year apprenticeship in Iowa. The FH that promised her a spot backed out, and now she has nowhere nearby to go. CRAP, I feel so bad for her. She's in a rural area just like we are, so it's not like there's a gazillion FH's around. I'm lucky since my apprenticeship position is ready-made. Of course, that's a chicken and egg scenario, since if I hadn't "married" the FH, I doubt that I'd be pursuing a license right now. The occupation always intriqued me, to be honest, but without my exposure via Jim, I'd never have pursued this avenue IN A MILLION YEARS.

A couple of occupational observations:
Tuesday night when I was working out at the Wellness Center, I noticed a couple that I knew kept going up to the nursing floor and back and were hanging out at the hospital rather late. Finally, the woman saw me in the gym area and came in and started talking to me. Seems her mother is getting ready to "pass" and she wanted to talk to me regarding what other services we had going on this week. She didn't feel like her mother was going to make it through the night and wanted to check our schedule for the rest of the week. GAWD. For one thing, it made me feel like a "vulture" for even being NEAR the hospital. And it was just such a dry, business-like conversation that it felt weird. I dunno, maybe it's no big deal. Not like it doesn't happen all the time, I'd better get used to it. But I hope I never do.

Footnote: Still haven't had the call regarding this woman's mother. Geez, hope this isn't screwing with her schedule too badly. (Sorry -- shame on me for saying that.)

I saw a lady yesterday whose husband had died about 8 months ago. I felt so bad for her at the time because they did EVERYTHING together and she was just so lost and forlorn. My heart always breaks for these little old ladies (and men) who suddenly lose their other half. And that's not a euphemism. After that many years, that's exactly what it is. Well, she looked GREAT, and it did my heart good. We stopped and talked on the street and she was telling me her plans for fall and what she had been up to. You GO, Donna.

Last night I went to call on a lady whose husband died last week. I took her some "extras" that she had ordered. We make personalized candles, bookmarks, etc. and she had ordered a few things. I sat with her and we talked about everything from her husband to potato salad. It was a nice visit. Right up until the time I left and backed (should I say SLAMMED) into the huge oak tree at the entrance to her driveway. Man, don't you just HATE IT when trees that old and big just JUMP in your way? Gah..... Osama bin Goglin's not a happy camper today. Seems the whole bumper will have to get replaced. He'll get over it. I'm just glad it was the minivan and not the little pink convertible. My cute little soup can would have crumpled like a piece of paper with the jolt I took.

Speaking of Osama......
About 8 million times this week, he's hugged me and said, "Jen, what would I ever do without you?" Nice to hear, but RELAX, dude! I'm about as loyal as an old hunting dog -- it's not like I'm goin' anywhere. Permanently, anyway. And I'm gettin' healthier every day, so CHILL THE F*** OUT, MAN!!

I have been "full-time" at the insurance agency this week, while Church Lady is on vacation. Counting today, I have 10 days left here. Woo Hoo! No one is here but me today, or will be tomorrow either, for that matter. There is NO work to do. I have cleaned out old files and straightened and organized until I'm blue in the face. There is NOTHING left to do. The phone has rung twice. One was my husband. The other was a wrong number. I don't have any funeral home work to do. OH.MY.GOD. ...........so THIS is what it's like not to have anything to do. I just may have to get into a little trouble on Ebay later today. Hee.

I guess I COULD have brought my textbooks and done some reading before classes begin (in 2 weeks) but I've already read and taken notes on 2 chapters in each, so I don't really want to get too far ahead in case the instructors take a wild turn and skip chapters.

posted by Jenwa @ 7:12 AM 0 comments

Yikes, I Found My Way Back Again!

Today's blog brought to you by the color FUSCHIA...

Jim bought a little two-seater convertible for me. It's a hunk of junk, really, but it's cute and I have fun with it. It's a 1994 Geo Metro with a 3-cylinder engine, so basically it's a sewing machine with tires. BUT IT'S FUSCHIA, PEOPLE!!

OK, would you believe that I haven't posted to this here blog in so long, I actually forgot the username and password.... Yeah, I'm that lame. I'm so far behind that I don't have time to fill in the details, so here's the random stuff....

I've turned in my notice at my part-time job. With my apprenticeship, school, and helping to run the funeral homes, I just do not have the time. They keep coming up with "options" to keep me.....different hours, etc. but I am being pretty firm this time. My last official day is Thursday, September 1.

I've really made strides in my training. I've had several "firsts" this past month and did very well. I'm no longer freaked out by the idea of embalming for the instructors this fall. I'll be nervous, but I'll be able to do it.

Dominic is home for two more weeks, then I help move him back to school on August 14th. Summer has been WAY more stress-free then I anticipated. The kid, he has really cleaned up his act. We had no stumbling into the house in the morning after a full night of partying, no kids wandering in and out all night, no girls coming and going at all hours. I'm sure it's been a pretty boring summer for him -- just lots of hard, dirty work (but good money) and lots of jamming on his guitar and drums with a couple of his friends that don't "party." He says he's anxious to get back to school, and I'm sure he is but I'm just so glad that he seems to have straightened out his life a little. The only problem we've had this summer has been his constant messiness, but hey -- I can live with it.

For the first time in a long time, we don't have any pending cases. I keep thinking I should be working, and then realize that I don't have to. STRANGE. The last couple of days, I've had time to breathe a little and catch up. It's nice, but I know it won't last and don't even really want it to.

Diet-wise, June and July have been a bust. On May 31st, my weight was 199. I have gone as low as 190, only to be back up to 197 right now. SHIT. I have lost the same 6 or 7 pounds over and over, and I'm really sick of it. I am determined that as of August 1st, I am going to make new headway and not come back. It WILL happen.

I am SO looking forward to meeting Barbara and Connie in Septetmber. I am going to spend two days with Barbara prior to going to Denver for labs, and Connie for two days afterward. Both are interesting women that I admire and can't wait to meet!

Exercise has been spotty and hit and miss at best. I attempted another 5k this past Friday and had an uh, interesting experience. Actually it was funny, in a sad sort of way. I went to Mitchell to participate in the "Heart and Sole" Cancer Run. You had your choice of either a 5k or a 10k, the 10k being merely twice around the 5k route. I was out of practice, but decided I would do it anyway and just try to beat my own 5k time, which was 47:01. (Yes, pathetic, I know.) Well, it was SUPER hot, super windy and difficult. My knee hurt and I just wasn't able to run much. I did run consistently toward the end, and as I was running over the finish line, there were people gathered that were just HOOTIN' and HOLLERIN' for me! WOW!! I thought, "Man, these people are really nice to cheer on a slow, fat old woman like me." A guy came up to me and held out his hand and said, "Nice job. You should be really proud of yourself." HUH?? He saw the puzzled look on my face, and said, "Don't you know? You're the 1st woman in!" AND THEN I REALIZED. I looked at him and said, "Uh, I'm in the FIVE K, not the TEN K." He immediately got a look on his face like he'd like to wipe the germs off his hand, and everyone disappeared pretty quickly. SIGH. My time? 45:45 - better, but still shitty. And to make matters worse, Jim and I stopped at Super WalMart to pick up some groceries before driving home. A woman spotted me in the dairy section and came running over, squealing, "YOU'RE THE WOMAN WHO FINISHED THE 10K FIRST, AREN"T YOU?" "Uh, no, actually I was doing the 5k." Jim says I should have just shut my mouth and said, "Yes, thanks." Sorry, it's ingrained into my personality -- I am compelled to fess up AND apologize. I'm doing another 5k in August for Riverboat Days, but it's more walker friendly with less serious runners, so I know I won't have to live through that kind of humiliation again.

And now some ranting on my part that's straight out of left field....

General William Westmoreland died last week. Peacefully, in his 90's. I wonder how many young men didn't get that chance because of his participation in The Big Lie. And now we have Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney perpetuating another BIG LIE. How many young lives down the tubes for THIS one? I don't count Dubya, 'cause he's just a puppet. And now, having blogged critically of the administration, let's see if I ever blog again.....or if I'll wind up at Gitmo. Check on me now and again, eh folks?

Senator Joe Biden was on The Daily Show and mentioned that he would love to have John McCain be his running mate in the next presidential election. God, would I just LOVE that? A Democrat candidate with a Republican running mate. WOW. And I am really amazed at the power of a COMEDY SHOW that has political guests making such frank and open statements in that venue. I was also intrigued by a guest named Fareed Zakaria who has a new show called "Foreign Exchange." I liked his views on the radical extremists. Unfortunately, I don't get his show on any of my stations. Hee Haw re-runs, we gots plenty of though. Go figure.

There's a new show on FX this Thursday night called "Starving" that sounds interesting. Although I don't get into episodic TV much, I might have to check it out if I remember.

I know there's more, but I'm having my usual case of brain fade. Later, peeps. But hopefully not as later as it HAS been. Sheesh.

posted by Jenwa @ 8:44 PM 0 comments

Don't Pay the Ransom......I Escaped!!

Okay, don't whip me too hard. I know, I know -- it's been a while! I had to go back and read the old blog, which was -- HOLY COW -- June 30th. Alrighty then........

If memory serves me correctly (and much of the past month is a total BLUR) we, myself, husband and daughter, came back from the Washington, D.C. vacation on the 23rd and it was soon after that I began this blog. Immediately after, all Hell broke loose. Hell is capitalized because it IS a proper noun signifying a place I've actually been to. Quite recently as a matter of fact. After having been unnaturally slow for months, we were hit with an onslaught of death calls. Good for the finances, since reserves were becoming steadily depleted, but showing a definite debit in the rest and relaxation column.

A side trip here, if you will allow me:
Yes, we make our living off of other people's misfortune. I absolutely HATE that aspect of the business. When business is burgeoning, you don't DARE comment on your good fortune. And ditto for when it's terrible -- you keep that to yourself also. What it comes down to is that whether we are in business or not, people are going to die. I can't help that -- no one can. I'm going to go one step further and propose that what we do is necessary and helpful. You have every right to argue with me -- I don't mind. I'm constantly amazed at what people think they need a licensed funeral director around for. And to my husband's credit, he has no problem telling people, "You don't need me to do 'xyz' unless you WANT me to do it. It's perfectly OK for you to do this for yourself." Now, I'm not talking embalming here, or conducting burials. I'm referring to small matters of memorial services, sprinkling ashes, etc. You don't need a degree to do anything like that. If you WANT us to help, I can guarantee that most times it will be a smoother, more seamless experience for you and you won't have to deal with the details, but we don't hold the patent on putting together a meaningful event.

During this last rash of deaths, Jim and I went downtown for a bite to eat. One of the local attorneys came up to our table and was chuckling and said, "Well I see by the newspaper that I should never have become an attorney. I was just telling my partner the other day that we should go into the funeral business. You guys are cleaning up." So we smiled and nodded and didn't say much. What I WANTED to say? "And do you still want to open up a mortuary when you go SIX WEEKS with no business? When you are still making payments on the business and meeting payroll and tax payments and all the other obligations?" No one notices when there are NO obituaries in the paper, except possibly the newspaper staff.

I will not apologize for the fact that we make a decent living doing what we do. There are a few perks, but otherwise this business allows a decent middle-class life. I like to think that we offer a good value for the money spent, although I'm sure some will argue. And in the end, I'm sure that most of these arguments are meant to convince ME that we are worth what we charge. Who knows? End of tirade, for now!



I went to Las Vegas and met my friend Maureen. What a hoot! It was nice to spend time with a kindred spirit and we had a ball. She's a sweetheart and is very patient and kind when it comes to giving me a lot of latitude in the morning. She also taught me how to steal the little bottles of shampoo off the maid's cart. Another skill to add to the resume.......HA! We saw everything there was worth seeing, and Maureen has the blisters to prove it. OK, we skipped Cheetah's, but I'm thinking that's a GOOD thing.

Thanks Maureen, for the wonderful times --
And also for letting me watch the mimes.

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And in the land of weight loss............

Basically, I've spent most if not all of the past two months wasting my time. I finally got under 200 and was ecstatic. Still am. According to the records, I was 199.5 on May 29th. I have spent the last six weeks going down to 194, up to 199. Down to 195, up to 199. Down to 195, up to 201 (OW OW OW). Currently, down to 196. It's time to shit or get off the pot, in the unvarnished words of my hillbilly mother. It's time to make some progress again, even though my body doesn't feel that way. It seems to fight to the death any attempt I make at going lower than the 195-200 range. That's understandable -- it hasn't seen that area of the scale since approximately 1978. Go figure.

Jim and I have a challenge. I told him how sick I am of waffling back and forth. He told me that he's tired of being "stuck" at 250 and wants to take a run at going lower. So......... the one to lose the most weight by the time we go on our winter trip in January gets $500 to spend as they wish. I have to admit, I don't want the money as bad as I just want to WIN. I hope I win by 1 pound. That means that we both were successful but I STILL WIN!! I'd like to get board the plane in January with a combined weight less than 400 lbs. At one point, that figure hovered just under 700 pounds. GULP.

I took the time this past weekend to restock the healthy food and it really does feel good to be eating "clean" again. Here's something I pirated from a diet website that has really helped me refocus:

Is it worth the extra calories?
Is it worth the mental anguish caused by the guilt?
Is it worth the step backward?
Is eating just to eat really worth it?
Is the taste that only lasts seconds worth it?
Before you put that next thing into your mouth,
ask yourself----------IS IT WORTH IT?

I have this printed out and taped in my office, which is where I am most of the time. It's helped me through a few bumps in the road so far.

I have really let my exercise program fall apart also. I haven't done any decent exercise in nearly two weeks. 'Nuff said. We are back at it as of TODAY. I sent off my registration yesterday for a 10k. Here's the link:

http://heartandsole.santel.net/

A good cause, but a really crappy website, IMHO. I will be mostly walking, as they make the walkers and runners register separately (which I hate) and I have to be honest and say that I walk more than I run. Which begs the point -- will the Walking Police come and arrest me if at some point I break into a run? Hmmmm......

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It's hard for me to believe that summer is over half over! Makes me sad, because I absolutely dread this fall. I am going to have SUCH a courseload for fall, and labs in Colorado begin. The only bright spot on the horizon to get me through weeks of burying my head in a text is that I will get to travel west and meet my friends Barbara and Connie! Connie and I have planned a trip to the theater and a day of hiking in the mountains. Barbara and I don't have anything definite planned yet, but I'm looking forward to WHATEVER we wind up doing and WHEREVER we wind up doing it! Ooooh, that sounded BAD. [insert evil grin here]

I do, however, look forward to the kids going back to school, although it hasn't been a terrible summer with them around. They are both working people now, so I am more likely to overlook some of the laying around draped over the furniture that they do. *sigh* They're both so old now -- some days I still wish we were going to the park and I was hauling them around to T-ball and swimming lessons. Dom's doing dirty, somewhat dangerous work and is getting paid VERY well. It's so strange to see him coming home all tired and dirty. I'm very proud of him, too. Whatever he can put away now will enable him to take it easy during the school year. Yesterday he said, "You know, I can handle this for a couple of months. But do you realize that there are guys who do this FOR A LIVING?" I had to laugh at his amazement at the fact that yes, some people have shitty jobs FOR LIFE. Welcome to the real world, sweetheart.

Lauren is working quite a few hours, but not doing as well at saving. As long as there's a SHOE STORE on this earth, that girl will never be rich.

********************

There's a lot more -- always is. But I'm tired. Gonna go back to bed for a while. Thanks for stopping, and reading!

posted by Jenwa @ 3:25 AM 0 comments

You're Gonna Make It After All..........

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it -
With each glance and every little movement you show it.

Love is all around, no need to waste it.
You can have the town, why don't you take it?
You're gonna make it after all.
You're gonna make it after all.

How will you make it on your own?
This world is awfully big, girl this time you're all alone.
But it's time you started living.
It's time you let someone else do some giving.

Love is all around, no need to waste it.
You can have the town, why don't you take it?
You're gonna make it after all.
You're gonna make it after all.

OK, so that song meant EVERTYING to me when I was 10. Mary Richards was my hero -- beautiful, successful, and she had a GREAT apartment. When I got my first apartment, I actually looked all over trying to find those wooden oversized initials like Mary had. Mary was wonderful, and her life was so different from anything that I'd ever experienced that I may as well have wished for a castle in England.

I heard that song yesterday and it's stuck in my head now, wedged in between a lot of other clutter. And I've been thinking about good ol' Mare. I never had the gorgeous figure, the glamorous career in TV news, OR the fab apartment. But I did OK. I think I made it after all. But it would have been easier if I'd had a Mr. Grant and a Murray.

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And now for reality........

I am the literal walking dead today. My eyes are bloodshot, I can't think straight from lack of sleep and my stomach is upset. The stomach part I deserve. My daughter brought home the lefover doughnuts from her new job as a convenience store clerk. Lady Bountiful apparently thought I'd welcome a box of day-old glazed doughnuts with open arms. I chastised her for bringing junk like that home...........and then ate them in the middle of the night. Along with two sandwiches. UGH. I feel horrible.

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We are dealing with two families from HELL right now and one wonderful one. The worst family came in and challenged us on each and every line item on our General Price List. They have spent two days running us ragged with irrational requests and complete changes to major details. I am soooooooo ready to tell them to go to our competitor. Jim handles them better than I do, but he comes home very irritable. They wrote an 1,100 word obituary and are upset that the newspaper charges for anything over 400 words. We (the funeral home) should DO something about this! I went to special pains trying to find a small graphic for the memorial folder, which I usually don't do. I thought that it would make them happy, and it did. Now why don't ALL of the printed materials have cutesy graphics on them? The last straw was last night at the prayer service. The son told his daughter (deceased's granddaughter) to "clean out the candy dish" because "after all, we paid for it." So I guess that was CANDY that they were paying for and not us getting up in the middle of the night to drive 100 miles to get Grandpa and embalm him and make him look nice and dress him and put him in an expensive casket. I guess we don't have to maintain nice cars, and nice buildings, and have nice landscaping and clean, well-appointed viewing rooms. Turns out I DON'T need to go to Mortuary School. We just need bigger dishes of peppermints. Sheesh. Wish I'd have known that a long time ago.........

Two more services tomorrow, two more on Saturday. Today I need to work all day, but things are manageable at least.

I have a "burn" on my elbow from rubbing against the arm of my office chair. I've done practically nothing but type for the last two days. And so here I am, typing some MORE.....
Experience tells me that last night's binge was brought on by my good friend, Sleep Deprivation. For some reason, when my body can't rest, it wants to EAT. With a vengeance.

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I went for a six mile walk/run last night. I was proud that I accomplished that in the face of how tired I am. Like that 791 calories burned makes up for a 3,900 calorie day...... This morning's fasting blood sugar? 211. Not good, Jen. Not good a'tall.

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posted by Jenwa @ 8:44 AM 0 comments

OK, So Maybe it IS All About Weight Loss

So I started this blog in order to talk about ANYTHING I wanted to, not just weight loss.........so let's talk about my weight loss, shall we?

195 this morning. The last of the "vacation pounds" are officially off. And why is it that I was able to drop all the vacation weight - 4.6 lbs. - in under a week? Six days, to be exact. And why is it that if I have maintained a weight for a while, it may take up to three weeks of dieting to lose that much? Is it that newly gained weight isn't stuck on quite as tightly as long-held fat? WHO THE HELL KNOWS?

I was very proud of myself last night. I can eat out successfully in restaurants where there is at least one of a few basic scenarios:

1) That it is a fast-food restaurant where the nutritional content of all the choices is clearly listed in the database or on their website, and therefore it's easy for me to make healthy choices/comparisons.

2) That it's a restaurant where "plain" menu items are available (sirloin steak, baked potato, steamed broccoli and cauliflower, etc.) that are easily recordable.

3) That items are not on the table for all to share that may be tempting, i.e., bread basket, chip basket, Easter basket. Maybe it's just a basket problem. Hmmm.

I do TERRIBLY in restaurants that have "combination" dishes which must be guessed at in order to determine the portion size, ingredients, etc. AYCE salad bars, Mexican restaurants, pizza places, etc.

Last night we took my stepson and his wife and two children to a Mexican restaurant. I pushed the basket of chips away. I ordered a chicken fajita salad, no dressing, no cheese, no tortillas. Basically it was grilled fajita veggies and chicken on a bed of lettuce with salsa and a smidge of sour cream.

I concentrated on the new baby to keep my mind off what everyone else was eating and what I was NOT eating. When we left, I was satisfied but not overfull. Later, I was hungry again -- but I rather welcomed the feeling as proof that I don't need to go to a restaurant and eat myself blind. YAY me!!

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On other fronts. I've had 2.5 hours sleep. We are unbelievably busy and there is no end in sight. Maybe I should have started this blog by telling what it is I do for a living, but if you've been invited here (all 2 of you) then you already know. Strangers will wonder.

I'm tired. You'll have to wonder for a while longer I guess.

posted by Jenwa @ 5:09 AM 0 comments

Refugee from War-Torn Dietland

OK, so I spent waaaay too much time and waaaay too much emotional capital on a dieter's website. I knew I had gone 'round the bend when I started to feel anxious that there might be really interesting threads started in my short absences from the computer. Or that someone with a particularly interesting journal would post, and I'd miss it. I.MEAN.COME.ON. And when I started to get really caught up in the drama over people I DO NOT KNOW having arguments? It's time to get a life and move on.

So what to do? First of all, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. The food and exercise logs and weight tracking tools? EXCELLENT. I would not have come this far and lost 71 pounds without any of that. I still have at least 40 pounds to lose, so it's not time to abandon a successful program by any means.

The public journals and forums? Not so useful, or even healthy. Frankly, it's been a long time since I've learned any really new, useful diet or exercise information from them. They have, to put it bluntly, become a large sucking vortex draining the productivity from my days, not to mention nights.

But my OWN journal? How do I abandon that when I find it such a wonderful release? The answer is........I don't. I just move it here, away from the madding crowd. (If you must picture me, please picture me as Julie Christie. The likeness is SO.DAMN.CLOSE. And if you have no idea WHO Julie Christie is, then you are far, far too young to understand or appreciate this blog. Please move on.)

To be truthful, my journal was not just about D&E, but also about my stupid, bizarr-o life. And maybe there's some good to be had from writing about the ENTIRE life, and not just the time spent in worship to the Scale Gods. The fact that I doubt that time not spent counting carbs is valuable time is proof positive that I need to escape.

Problem is, I met a few "real" people along the way. People who "get it" in a quiet, basic way. I'd miss them and, hopefully, they'd miss me. So I'm bringing them along. I'm selfish that way.

posted by Jenwa @ 1:35 AM 1 comments